What I have to say about PMS

Five months ago, I posted a blog entry asking readers what they think about premarital sex. It was nice to get some comments from several people and to know what most of us think about having sex before marriage. Based on the few comments I’ve received, it’s safe to conclude that most Filipinos think having premarital sex is wrong.

I’m not surprised with the conclusion. As Filipinos, that’s how we’ve been brought up. Our culture and our religion have always been a lot more conservative than others. I guess if I had a wider audience, one that involves people from other countries, the opinions on the topic would have been more varied and would not definitely seem one-sided. Yet, the question whether or not engaging in premarital sex is wrong will still remain. Even though most of us believe that it’s wrong, a lot of people out there think otherwise.

But what matters at the end of the day is one’s beliefs, right? I guess I just wanted to know what people really think about premarital sex, whether the beliefs of a typical Filipino upbringing stood the test of time and are still existent, or are just elusive facades nowadays. What made me brought up the question in the first place has also something to do with the fact that a lot of people I know have ended up getting pregnant out of wedlock. And most of these people are the kind I’ve never expected to be involved in such a thing. Given the case, I wanted to know how strong people, especially when temptation arises, are capable in holding on to their beliefs.

One of the things I always hear from people about PMS is the unfair reality about it: The girl is always the loser. Once virginity is lost, she will never be the same again. She can even be seen as less as who she was once her virginity is lost. While he, on the other hand, can be seen as becoming more of a man. Guys can have sex before marriage without being judged harshly because it’s OK for them to do it, because it’s what they are made to do, because they need to do it. But if it’s OK for guys to have PMS, who then are they going to have it with? Their girlfriends of course! Their girlfriends who are unmarried. So maybe, premarital sex is just a part of society? Of life? Is it not? No?

I’d be lying if I said I’ve never doubted my belief that having premarital sex is wrong. If I’d been asked five years ago, I would have definitely answered in a heartbeat a very firm, “Premarital sex is wrong!” without any doubts whatsoever. But as time went by and I turned from single to “in a relationship,” I began thinking about PMS and if it’s really what I believe it is.

Now, if my mother reads the previous paragraph, chances are she would freak out. She is, after all, the kind of mother who has practically brainwashed her daughter against premarital sex by saying that not only it is wrong against the eyes of God but once you do it, your married life is doomed. Doomed in a sense that you and your husband will encounter more problems throughout your married life. As her daughter, her brainwashing didn’t go to waste because I believe her by heart. The doomed part may sound a bit ridiculous but it had me scared to commit PMS. It made me think of a lot of worse case scenarios that are bound to happen to me and my husband had we fornicated. My mother is also the kind who had her daughter’s boyfriend literally say promise in front of her that he will not have sex with her daughter as long as they are not married. Yeah, that’s my Mama. Persistent and umm.. unique, isn’t she? But I kinda like the way she disciplined me about the sex issue. Not all mothers can talk that straightforward about sex to their daughters, including their daughter’s boyfriend. Not only it is super effective but it’s something I know I will benefit from in the long run.

So ‘Ma, don’t freak out yet. Kindly allow me to elaborate…

Before I ever had a boyfriend and during the first few months I have a boyfriend, having PMS never entered my mind. It was and is always out of the question. “We are not going to have sex. It is wrong and I will never give in no matter what. If you really love me, having sex with me is far different from your intentions. Sex can wait until we’ve walked down that aisle and said “I Do.” This was pretty much my way of thinking then. But as time and experience are teachers, being in a relationship for some time has taught me about stages. Yes, there are stages, and the first stage begins as soon as you two are officially a couple. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost five years now. The stages eventually ascended until I realized that we have reached the unexpected, inevitable, unknown stage for those who have never been in a relationship – the physical stage.

The reality almost slapped me in the face: It is impossible to not get physical with someone you love. Ascending to the next stage is how a relationship progresses. It’s just the way it is. Kisses, hugs, and cuddles are unavoidable when you have a boyfriend. These are, after all, ways how to express love and affection.

When the physical stage is reached, it is always up to the girl to decide how deep they both get physical. She has the key to that door. As long as she says no and doesn’t give away that key to him no matter how he begs, they will never have PMS. A line has to be drawn between petting and sex.

While I draw this line, I found myself thinking why PMS is wrong; Why God intended it to be a sacred act for married people only. I admit that there were times I know I wanted to do it; We wanted to do it. I love him, he loves me, I want to make love with him. Why is it wrong to have sex with someone you’ve loved for years if you’re not married when sex is an expression of love after all? Are couples we know doing it? Why is our upbringing so conservative while those in other countries can have sex anytime they want to? Are those people with more liberated culture who commit PMS all going to Hell?

We reached a point in our relationship where we wanted to do the act. I began to have so many questions about PMS that I doubted my beliefs. There are still times every now and then that I ponder about this. But thanks to my one of a kind, persistent mother who brainwashed me years ago. I can still find strength and reason in saying no while having an eager, willing-to-do-it body. The consequences I have to face are not worth it for a moment’s pleasure, even though it’s the pleasure I so want to experience.Haha For now I just have to settle with kisses, hugs, smooches, and whatever else we can think of except sex. There are many different kinds of kisses anyway. Hmmm…

One of the things I’ve also learned is that those people who have never been in a relationship don’t know the implication of what they’re really saying when they say that having PMS is wrong. They are right but with experience, the view is different. My thoughts on PMS are still the same as before. It’s wrong, but saying no to it is not always as easy as a NBSB would think. I’m blessed not only because I have a persistent, unique mother, but also because I have an understanding boyfriend who’s willing to make it right with me and to keep his promise to my mother. Hah.

Oh, he is going to get a prize from me someday… hahaha

It takes a whole lot of courage and discipline to say no. Amidst temptation, saying no is still possible. Just think that it can wait (there better be a reward someday for those who wait!) and by saying no for now, you’re in for a really thrilling wedding night. 

* Photo sources: here and here.

~ by Michelle on March 30, 2009.