I think I have a firm sense of conviction to not let the bad things in life overshadow the good.
So I said that on the previous Friday 5, right? Sounding so sure, I actually said that, like I totally know what I’m talking about. Fate has quite a funny way of slapping you in the face (without the actual ouch part) to bring you back to reality. It is because the very morning after I wrote that, I woke up feeling as if everything in my life is going downhill. That’s maybe a corny, overly dramatic way of putting it, but really, I felt so..down just thinking about how Flip and I are going to cope in the coming months with me migrating to another country (again) and him being tied down to the exhausting hospital duties of his Medicine school life. Mostly I was worried about myself. Will I cope again this time? I think the more appropriate question is, how will I do it and how long will I have to endure to finally come to terms with the situation? I may seem to whine about such a shallow matter for a problem, but I can’t quite understand how, so suddenly, I seem to lose grip on all the positive things that are equilibrating my life. That morning when I woke up, I felt as if what was bothering me could be described right on by the words of the Friday 5 question, which I answered so positively and so surely the day before.
A red tide is a proliferation (in ideal circumstances) of oceanic algae that often seem to discolor seawater and threaten other sealife. If the ocean is your life and the algae the harmful attitudes, thoughts, or moods that crowd out the good stuff, under what conditions in your life is red tide most likely to become a problem?
Maybe it’s my hormones, as I have just gone through that time of the month. Or maybe it’s my ever-so-active impatience and my failure to persevere. Yes, maybe that’s it. I have let “the red tide crowd out the good stuff.” I think what makes me feel even worse is the fact that “My hands are tied” in this situation, which brings me back again to last week’s Friday 5. The “My hands are tied” thing is the 1st question and I now know that I’ve got a more fitting answer than the one I answered. There’s nothing much I can do for now to change Flip and mine’s situation. No matter how much of our time and effort we’ve put through in talking about and deciding what we should do, I still can’t stay here with him. For now I have to go to the USA. Have to. And it’s not like I totally have no choice either about this whole working to the US and migration thing. In fact I want to do this. If only not for the matter with Flip and I, I’m excited as can be to go. I think it’s about time I earn decently through my profession and I’m not getting any younger. It’s my way of “moving on to greater heights” or whatever it is. And I’m also doing this not only for myself, or for my parents in the US, but also for Flip. I’m starting out what we’ve planned for our future. Now that may sound so corny again, I know it is. But Flip and I have always had this long term plans. And I’m running against time here. I want to start out building what could be our lives out there in the near future. Flip wants to do his medical residency in the US and we believe I could help him in terms of the visa thing. But that could be another story.
My trip to the USA is not the problem here. The heart of the matter is the fact that Flip won’t be there. I may be slapped again on the face for a reality check, but at least 2 or 3 years between us seems so painfully long for me. And the fact that for now he has no legal means of being able to go there makes me even more hand-tied.
He always tells me that we’ll get through this, that someday soon he’ll be there. The more he tells me this the more I feeI aggravated by the realization that there’s a long line of painful emotions that I have to go through. I thought I knew better not to be taken over by this, but somehow I feel that my hope, faith, patience, understanding and whatever else there is that keeps me going on are getting so hard to hold on to.
I guess I’m just being all neurotic and hormonal about this because this is not how I wanted things to be. I mean, when you were little you dream about the things you want to do and you picture out how your life will be. It’s alright for me if things turn out a bit different; One of the beauties of life is its unpredictability, after all. But knowing that not only this is so different but that I have to endure missing someone for a while, endure the painful pangs and debts of missing someone, before everything will fall into place puts me in a very unpleasant aftershock. I’m also scared, big time. I’m scared that the one person who holds my heart, who I can turn to without doubt and inhibitions in whatever situation life throws at me, my better-half, is nowhere near me while I start anew in different place.
If I think about this any deeper and let myself linger in my aggravation, I’m gonna go ballistic. I know it’s just a matter of time – sooner or later everything I’ve hoped for will fall into place. I know that this is just another test for my patience and perseverance. I know that I have to be stronger. It’s just that sometimes I can’t help but to entertain these useless blue thoughts. And when I do, the positive things, the things I know are the right thing to do, get overshadowed that I find myself creeping in the dark.
This long blog seems useless because I know that once I focus on the right things and let myself regain patience, this problem of mine isn’t that hard anymore. I just have to vent all this out of my system, and also justify my answers on a previous Friday 5.Hehe Then, as always, it’ll be sunshine and daises again.
